Monday, March 30, 2009

That's a Big Bitch!!

Not sure if you've seen the theatrical masterpiece that is Deuce Bigalow ~ Male Gigolo. But one of the lovely ladies that he "dates" in the movie is a huge bohemith of a woman (reference pic above). You may ask... Athena... why are you giving this visual? And I reply my friends... because I myself have encountered one.

Every morning I catch the train & sometimes catch a glimpse of a rather large woman. So large in fact that if you are sitting down & she's standing next to you, your head would come to about the bottom of her ass crack. That's a big bitch! So, I've seen her once in a while on my ride into NY. I have recently started seeing her on my train ride to work in NY. Oddly enough she sometimes is riding in my same car. The reason I've noticed her is not because of her freakishly large size. The reason I see her is because I have physically bumped into her ass cheeks quite a few times!!!!

The 1st time it happened it truly took me by surprise; whilst stepping off of the train car (whose doors were about to close) I took a leap of faith with her standing in front me. I really thought by the time I hit the platform she would be well on her way to being, well... out of my way. But no my friends, turns out her large size makes her slothlike. She did not move, she was indeed dead in front of me. In my leap off of the train I bumped into her & when I say bumped into her I practically bounced off her ass cheeks which practically come up to my boobs. I shit you not. So I pounced on a strangers ass & she had absolutely no reaction to it. I deduce that she is used to this sort of treatment, bouncing people off & plucking people out of her ass cheeks. I mean, that has to be it... she cannot possibly feel it!

Why, just today, on my way to work, the Slothy Bohemith was on my train to work. But this time, I didn't even know she was in front of me. I hopped off the train right into her asshole again!!! WTF?! Her ass has to be, MUST be desensitized to this shit! I mean, if everyone was bumping into my butt constantly I'd know it. But she didn't even feel it & just went about her business. I'm convinced now her purpose in life is to suck me up into her vortex of ass cheeks - it's like she's everywhere & I'm getting creeped out. From now on I'm just going to wait on the train car til she's like 10 feet in front of me. I mean it's that or I'm being swallowed whole by her ass & I want to live!! I want to live!!!!!!!

The Definition of Children...

According to is:
a. A person between birth and puberty.
b. A person who has not attained maturity or the age of legal majority.
c. An unborn infant; a fetus.
d. An infant; a baby.

What failed to mention in their definition is:
1. A barrel of laughs
2. A shitload of work
3. Oodles of adorableness
4. Exercise in patience
5. Pee & poo on hands
6. Known to cause excessive sleepiness
7. Loaded with love
8. Fun to be around

The Hubs & I (God Parents to the most adorable little ladies above) watched these 2 crazy chickadees this weekend... I mean watched for a full 24 hours. As I write this he's cutting up cheese for an almost 3 year old & we're currently awaiting for Kayla (never mind she's up!) Watching her on the monitor hitting the railing of the crib as if she was a prisoner dying to get out - but wait, her God Father is gently rubbing her back as she's laid back down. Wait! She's up! She's ready! She's out!!!! LOL, here she comes... gotta go get a snack ready...

And I'm back!!! 1st off - how does baby shit turn a shade of yellow? I mean really... how does that happen... 2nd - Kayla is a fiesty one! I love it. After having a standoff with a bib (I won) I'm back...

Titi - 1
Kayla - 0

Now where was I... Oh yes, so we watched the ba ba bays from about noon on Saturday until (fill the blank in here ~ The Ho's are still galavanting around) LOL :)... we've never had the full responsibility of lives like we have this weekend. Let me tell you about this little ones that have us wrapped around their fingers...

1st the eldest... Alyssa...She will be 3 in just 2 weeks (god we're getting old!!!!) She could be on a debate team - I mean, she would totally give you a good argument for anything you're opposed to. If your answer is no - she'll convince you why it should be yes. Anything you want her to do can be accomplished with M&M's... it's the key to her heart. She's witty, smart, beautiful & talkative. I see a phone surgically attached to her head in her teens!!! She loves TitiUncle & we love her right back!

2nd the youngest... Kayla... As stated above is a little spitfire, will let you know when she's had enough of something or in my case, made sure I was FULLY aware she didn't want to go to sleep. I walked out of there with crazier hair than normal, sweating profusely & exhausted.

Titi - 1
Kayla - 1

But she's great, so funny & such a ham, she likes to make you laugh & she's very curious. She ADORES her big sister.

After this weekend, it's really driven it home even more for me. I'm totally ready for this. I'm ready to be exhausted... I'm ready to laugh, I'm ready to teach a lil' human, I'm ready for shit under my nails, I'm ready to be thrown up & peed on & I can't wait... this was such wonderful practice for us both & I knew even before this weekend Victor will make an amazing father. I can't wait for him to be my Baby Daddy...Now where are those Ho's?!?!

A few pics from the weekend:
~ Like I said this cutie patootie pie is a ham, if she sees a camera she knows it's her time to shine & will happily oblige with a pic... here she is impersonating a puppy. LOL, Mommy would be very upset if she knew we left her hair like this. LOL, sorry Mommy...

~ Here is Alyssa & I dying Easter Eggs - she tried to make her case as to why we should eat them. But I highly doubt that's going to happen. If you need an easter egg dyer, let me know... I know just the girl for you!

~ Here is Kayla & her favorite man (whenever Dada's not around), they had a great time together - what a cute pic huh?

~ I failed to mention - Alyssa is an aspiring photographer... here is a portrait she took of me, notice the composition & lighting used in the photo - she has quite the eye for beauty. LMAO

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I Love This Man...

Is this a picture of my dashing Husband... no, no... this is a picture of my man, my boy... The President of the United States ~ Barack Obama. I just wanted to say that I am so sick & tired of people talking shizz about my 2nd Husband. I love him, he is truly a blessing to have in the shitty times we are currently experiencing. All I hear are a lot of people complaining about the job he's doing - or the fact that people aren't happy with the way things are being handled. Give him a second, give him a minute, give him some time to think things through & try to get this right. Please don't forget HE is not the man who got us into this situation & he is trying the best he can. And I think he's doing a fantastic job. So STFU already! LOL, thank you... this is just my opinion... no laughs here, just my boring opinion :)

WTF of The Day

Yes, that's right boys & goils... it's time for another installment of ~ WTF of The Day!!!!

I'm sure many of you have seen the tourists or even New Yorkers who pull along their little pull suitcases:

... well guess what... I'm so sick of you assholes - I'm so over you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF could you possibly have in that bag that you can truly justify the need for you to drag it along with you all times of the day. I truly cannot tell you the amount of times my life has flashed before my eyes because of you!!!!! I saw a true collision happen the other day a stupid roller man thought he had the right of way. A pedestrian thought she did... they collided... she tripped & fell right on roller suitcase. The metal arms were all mangled & twisted & he truly had the nutsack to get mad at her!!! These people just walk in complete oblivion as if everyone on earth does not exist! Not only do you walk slow - you also drag this thing so damned far behind you that there is truly about 20 feet between the both of us & all I can think of doing is kicking you square in the back of the neck. In my eyes the only time you should be using a roller bag is if you're on vacation - NOT GOING TO WORK!!!! WTF?!?!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Happy Anniversary to Us!!!

So... this is it... 2 years ago today I married the Love of my Life... sure, we've been together for almost 13 years collectively - but these past 2 years especially have indeed flown by. I think that's a good thing right? Part of today I had to basically tie him down to watch our Wedding video - c'mon!!! It's tradition!!! And I loved reliving every minute of it (him, not so much). I really do look forward to many more years with him & cherish each day we have together. He is my everything & I can't wait to get old & wrinkly & smell like pee with this man. I love him!!! Love, love, love, love, love...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Chester the Foot Molester

So, as you’ve read below, I fell down a staircase 1 week before my Wedding. The week OF my Wedding, I was forced to go & see a Podiatrist so he could tell me the best way possible to deal with my ankle & foot for my Wedding & Honeymoon (I really do miss you Mexico). Being a Doctor I suppose you’re compelled to make small conversation with your patients.

Naturally, being a Podiatrist he has to get up close & personal with my foot, grab it, squeeze it, look at it closely… in the midst of his inspecting my foot I spill the beans about my upcoming Wedding… blah… blah… blah…

I go back to follow up with him after the Honeymoon – freshly married. Sparkly ring, Newlywed glow… He walks into the office & looks me up & down. Takes a seat & begins to look @ my foot. But this time he’s much different, flirty… I went for the appointment right before work. Dressed in black pants & a cute purple sweater… he makes a lame attempt at conversation. And then asks me where I’m going. I tell him to work & he says “Like that?!?!” Like I’m wearing nipple cover & a G string… when I tell him yes he begins to flirt even more,whilst holding my injured limb gently. Saying I look so pretty & if he was my Husband he wouldn’t let me walk out like that… cue the sexual harassment music! Needless to say I never went to see him again, I’m sure he misses me & my pretty foot LMAO

Gross, all I could think of is that this guy grew up having fantasies like this:

Gross… ill… yuck… uuuggghhh… nasty… ill!!!! I’m sure he was just dying for me to just do this to him:

Looking back on it now, both Victor & I agree I could have totally had a Sugar Daddy right now. We’d be in the money… I’m sure he’ll be losing his license soon. LOL, stay away from any sort of Doctor that could have a fetish caused by his line of work. Ill…

Thursday, March 12, 2009

WTF of The Day

I'm very proud to introduce my "WTF of The Day"... just random things that really annoy me... here's the 1st installment...

For a long while now, I can't even pinpoint a timeframe for it. But, I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate when people anyone, businesses, homes, apartments continue to leave their CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS up AFTER Christmas!!!!!!!!!! Why must you do this people? I'm so tired of seeing dead brown wreaths on your doors! I'm so tired of seeing plastic lighted reindeer & sticky snowmen vinyls on the windows!!! Is this necessary?!?! I'm just as sad as you to see Christmas go - believe me... but move on. Take them down & if you're gonna leave them up *cringe* please for all that is good & Holy DO NOT have the nerve to light up your decorations... you're killing me.

I'm Having... Chest Pains...

So, a few years back I began having weird things happen with my Lil’ Ol’ Heart… it was doing a delayed double beat almost every other beat. So, I decide I gotta go see a Dr. Now, I know I’m getting old… why you may ask? This is why… here is a list of the Dr.’s I own:

Dr. Bolds ~ Dentist (best in the world)
Dr. Campton ~ Dermatologist
Dr. Daub ~ regular good ol’ body Doctor
Dr. Econopouly ~ Podiatrist
Dr. Namdar ~ Ear, nose & throat Doctor
Dr. Pumill ~ Cardiologist
Dr. Schwartz ~ Eye Doctor
Dr. Shin ~ Lady Doctor

So you see, I’m old… I have 8! Count ‘em 8 Doctors!!!! And one in the family – so I have 9 Doctors!!! I’m old…

Anywho, I find my Cardiologist & have an EKG done, they say I have to wear a Heart Monitor for 24 hours straight. It’s this HUGE square box that I have to hook unto my pants while the wires run all over various parts of my person. So many damned wires - straight up, I was a cyborg... If I would have gotten arrested or hit by a car or something & I had to get frisked or shocked they would’ve thought I was a suicide bomber or something. LOL So cool, I’ll wear it. That morning my Dad dropped me off @ the bus stop & in my rush to cross the street I guess I dropped the cover the “heart box” came in because I couldn’t find it anywhere… The next day my Daddy gives me a ride back to Dr.’s office to return the monitor, this is where things get interesting…

I walk up to the counter – behind it is about 5-6 nurses – all women (great). The conversation goes like this:
Me: Hi, I’m here to drop off my heart monitor
Nurse #1: OK, do you have the case it came in?
Me: Unfortunately, no, I think I lost it (insert :) here)
Nurse #1: OK… but we need the case
Me: OK… but I don’t have it
Nurse #1: Where is it?
Me: I think I lost it, do you need me to pay for it?
Nurse #1: (speaking to Nurse #2) She doesn’t have the case for the box…
Nurse #2: Hi, do you have the case for this?
Me: Unfortunately, no, I think I lost it (insert :) here)
Nurse #2: We need the case
Me: But I don’t have it
Nurse #2: Well, where is it?
Me: I LOST IT, I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS… I LOST IT, like, I don’t have it on me, I don’t know where it is, I have no idea… (my stupification speech @ the situation continues)
Nurse #2: But we need it
Me: Like I told her, I don’t have it – I lost it. If I knew where it was I’d be giving it to you right now. Do you need me to pay for it?
Nurse #2: No, but we need it

At this point a sweet Nurse with a heart of gold who had been pitifully watching this go down (along with the rest of them) steps in & comes to my rescue by saying:
Nurse #3: Guys, just like she told #1 & just like she told you #2 – she doesn’t have it
Me: Right
Nurse #3: Just give it to me, don’t worry about it… it’s just a case

Looking back after this heart palpitation inducing conversation I think I should have pointed out to all these petty hags behind the counter that I was here… at the HEART Dr.’s office… for a PROBLEM with my HEART… and you’re making it worse!!!!! You’re annoying me… my poor lazy heart was beating triple time.

Lesson learned: ignore people when they make you repeat things more than twice. Perhaps it’s just me, but I’m nice when I say something once, annoyed when you say what? And I have to repeat myself a second time. But it is a *GUARANTEE* if you ask me again, a third time to repeat myself you will get a nasty look followed by my old standby: REALLY?!?!?! WTF am I gonna do when I have kids… hopefully they’ll know not to make Mommy repeat something 3 times… it won’t end well, their bones are very brittle still… LOL

p.s. ~ the old ticker has gotten better :)

Faceoff with The Fashionista

As you know, I take the subway to & from work – every day. Just the other day, I was sitting in my seat… calm… tired… dreading going to work. I’d rather be in bed – ‘Rule of Thumb’ I’d always rather be in bed. LOL, anywho, as I sit & listen to my lovely music a typical NY Fashionista sashays into the train car. I’m talking walking as if she won America’s Next Top Model. Work it bitch. Looking as if she stepped right off of a Marc Jacobs runway… H-U-G-E bag that you could fit a litter of kittens or 2 small midgets in. Long leather boots, tights, big fluffy coat – sunglasses (FYI, it was not sunny out & even if it was ya stupid a-hole – SUN is not able to reach us down here in the bowels of NYC). Besides all of these glamorous things she’s sporting what I like to call a “Shitface”...
- ie. literally looking like they just smelled shit & you can tell just by looking @ their face. Just walking around with a sense of entitlement, walking around as if she’s the Queen of Everything – step off – I OWN that title LOL! Like everyone is beneath her. The train races along & we come to my stop yay… woohoo… time to get off & earn my keep. I step off of the train as does everyone else & we all have to merge onto an escalator. Now, again, I know how the subways & merging & “playing chicken” (ya know, when you & someone else are walking in opposing directions & someone has to stand their ground & keep walking straight as the other one puss*es out & veers off of the “road”) goes with people in NY. I know I have to let a few people cut in front of me, I know I have to be considerate & polite while making my way to the escalator; although that goes out the door at times – I swear I just want to greet peoples faces with a swift elbow to the face – I’m always down to throw ‘dem bows. But otherwise, I’m a normal, considerate person. But I was not today, not this morning, not to this Fashionista that wanted to walk as people dropped rose petals at her feet. She was trying to get in front of me & not in an inconspicuous way – in a I’m going to let my homeless lady bag keep punching into you until you are knocked over way. She keeps pushing & punching me with her bag & that’s it chick. My hips don’t lie & I will knock your ass back into kingdom come if you keep pushing me – trust. So it’s a faceoff now, who can make it to the escalator faster while we’re at war of pushing & poking… No need to wonder everyone, I beat a b*tch. I made it onto the escalator before she did, I threw my purse behind me & flicked my lions mane hoping I’d at least graze her. I felt better… got my day off in a good way… until next time Fashionista… you… me… rematch…

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A is for Athena Who Fell Down the Stairs...

What we're gonna do right now is go back… way back… back into time…

The date is Friday March 16, 2007. Just one week before March 23,2007 ~ which coincidentally is my Wedding… so 1 week before my Wedding there is a CRAZY snowstorm… so crazy in fact that they let us leave early from work if we lived outside of the city. I had managed to make it to the card store to buy wrapping paper I needed for my Rehearsal dinner. Picked up some Sean John Unforgivable for my Soon-to-Be Hubby, some other things from the Employee Store (where I’m lucky enough to get 50% off retail – Don’t hate, appreciate). Armed with an obscenely large roll of wrapping paper, a filled to the rim bag from the Employee Store, my purse filled with GOD knows what I head out to go catch my bus @ the lovely Port Authority. Shit! If I leave now I can actually catch my bus with 10-20 minutes to spare & be home in a ½ hour!!! I rush out of work, manage to work the mean streets of NY & the subway to make it to the Port Authority. Make it to the gate & something clicks in me & I’m thinking… no way… no way am I going to sit here & wait for a regular good ol' bus when I can go catch a smelly fart van to my house.

Sidebar here… “Smelly Fart Vans” as they were coined by Momo are the commuter vans that pick people up from Journal Square up until the ass end of Weehawken & take you straight to Port Authority (reference picture above - thanks for being our Vanna White Spanish Lady)… they are called “Smelly Fart Vans” because they are just that… in my opinion they are dirty as hell (saw a cockroach in one once – seriously! How the F does that happen?!), LOUD Spanish talking people, inconsiderate people that put their wet umbrellas on a seat just so you can wet your pants like a potty training kid when they pick it up. And way more curry than should be allowed. People that have spicy Doritos body odor (you hear Doritos you think good? Not good... imagine a human smelling like that), booger picking people… I hope you get the jist by now… they are obnoxious & should only be taken in extreme cases… as this was...

Which brings me back to my story… I have a Wedding coming up which equals a lot of crap that needed to still get done. Why would I spend more time waiting for a royal bus, when I can get home in ½ the time if I catch a van now. I rush down stairs, down a few staircases & then I come to the staircase that will change my life…

I rush down the stairs like a mad woman & in my running frenzy the ginormous roll of wrapping paper I was running with decided to transform into a snake betwixt my legs… so as my right leg tries to take the lead it gets stopped by the roll of paper that is lodged behind my left leg, no where for my legs to go, but I got this great momentum behind me… before I know it, I am tumbling… smack me silly & call me Jill, I was tumbling down the hill after I fetched a pail of water. I tried to stop myself during my descent by grabbing onto the banisters, but that didn’t help, the force was too great to stop… I kept tumbling. During my tumble I heard some scream “Oooohhhh!!!!”. I kept tumbling. I tumbled for so long that all I thought was - I’m still falling? Really?!?! I finally get to the bottom of the staircase that OWNED me. I land right on my ass, shocked, baffled, in awe of what just happened to me. Strewn about is the f’n roll of wrapping paper, all of my goodies from the Employee Store – including the beautiful case the Sean John Unforgivable was in for my Hubby L, my purse threw up & everything was everywhere… I just sat there, mystified… a few good samaritans came to my rescue, while a bunch of a-hole onlookers just gawked at what they saw (I’m sure they thought I was filming an action sequence or something – I mean I fell F-O-R-E-V-E-R). As the good folk are asking me if I’m OK & gathering my belongings I start to cry… I start to cry because I’m shocked, embarrassed, I know no one around me to make me feel better, my back hurts & my ankle is KILLING me!!!! I swear I broke it, I fractured it! Something is wrong I tell you! Something is wrong!!!!! A Port Authority officer comes over, as does a Port Authority worker & they’re helping me. The cop is writing a report & asked if I wanted to be taken to the hospital. But all I kept thinking was, I can’t be in a hospital in NY all by myself! I want Victor, where’s Victor, I need Victor!!!!! They ask me what happened, if I slipped on water (remember crazy snowstorm outside) *Ding Ding Ding* this set off something in people’s heads later on – I could have totally sued the Port Authority ~ but alas, my Momma & Poppa didn’t raise me like that J LOL, thanks Mom & Dad… I refuse my option to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. I just want… to… get… home… to… Victor… I go downstairs to the Smelly Fart Van Depot & I call Victor – hysterical, as if my dog died, as if I didn’t make prom queen, as if my Mom cut my hair again… I let it all out, slimy snot & tears stream down my face. I just want him to hug me & tell me it’ll be OK & don’t forget kids… MY ANKLE IS IN MAJOR PAIN!!!

Fast forward to Sunday when I see my genius Brother-in-Law Dr. Horana (nominate him for Surgeon General one day… hoodie hooo!!!! Shout out to Lasanta) who advised me to go to the hospital & get it X-ray’d just in case – basically my foot was looking horrid… turns out I had a SEVERE sprain. I had to take extra days off of work to recooperate before the Wedding because I couldn't even get around. I had to crawl up the stairs like a dog after the hospital because my Future Hubby just stood there & laughed... "Through sickness & health" huh? My ass...

I wore Old Navy white platform flip flops to my Wedding... spent a nice amount of money on my dress to turn around & spend $7.50 on a pair of flip flops. LOL Our Wedding went off without a hitch as did our glorious Honeymoon (Oh, how I miss you Mexico...)

Lesson of the day kids: Do NOT run down stairs...

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Out with The New In with The Old...

I myself have been a Tropicana drinker since I was a little girl & in the case of OJ it turns out; am very brand loyal. Since living with Victor he was under strict warning that there was no other OJ allowed into the house. Only Tropicana's Finest!

Some of you may know I was bored one day & decided to write a quick e-mail to Tropicana to let them know I was not feeling their new carton as pictured above. It looked so generic, ordinary, boring - not at all like the cute Tropicana carton I'm used to. I told them I wanted the old one back stat...

About a week later I receive a letter in the mail from Tropicana letting me know that their marketing group wanted to take on a fresh look to Tropicana & highlight the juice itself; as it would look when you poured it in the morning. They tried to win me over by giving me a coupon for a FREE that's right FREE carton of Tropicana OJ... it did warm my cold heart up a bit to get a coupon - but both Victor & I were feeling very resentful about this & had decided not to purchase the carton. Coupon or not.

Fast forward to last night... we get home & check the mail & there is another letter in the mail from none other than Tropicana!!! I open it & in short it says the following:
Thank you for your feedback! You & many other loyal Tropicana consumers contacted us regarding the recent change to our packaging. You told us you missed the familiar look that communicated premium, natural & squeezed from fresh oranges. We listened & are bringing back the packaging you know & love. This change is effective immediately & will appear in your store in the coming weeks. Please enjoy the enclosed coupon. We know you have a choice of brands & always appreciate your loyalty to Tropicana.

So thats right, you read it here first kids, Tropicana is bringing old packaging back... Yeah! It's cute old packaging is here to stay & I got another coupon! Woohoo!!! I'm king of the world!!!!

What A Mean Old Man...

One bright beautiful clear weekday I hop on the subway to get to work; like any normal New Yorker. We're lined up like cattle waiting for the other rats to scurry out of the train car so we can make our way in. I see an opening & jet on in ~ my aren't I fast :) I have no idea why I was in such a rush to jump on in... there were absolutely no seats. A fellow cattle; an old man, with a hump on his back (I swear, if he stood up straight he was at least 6'3"), manages to slowly make his way in. Now, this is where I count on you to use your imagination. I was on a train that had these seats:

This mean old man decided to do a MAJOR side lunge into the seat (where the above douche is sitting)... so picture someone sitting in each of the seats of 3 seater & 1 person sitting next to the above douche (replace with mean old man). The old man attemps to sit while in his crouching tiger major groin pulling side lunge:

But, imagine this even longer... he sets his saggy ass down (again while STILL in this position) & proceeds to push the man sitting next to him as if he insulted him or owed him money. So hard in fact that the man sitting next to him almost fell off of the chair!! I stand in disbelief, could this really be happening? As Mean Old Man (let's give him a name shall we? Clarence... Clarence it is!) proceeds to push him he makes a dreadful sound "Uuuuuuhuhhhhhhhhhhhhh" as he points to his disfigured lunge leg in an attempt to justify why he's pushing perfect strangers around. From his pointing & grunting I deduce he was pissed that stranger guy didn't get up so he could get into the seat properly. You think the pushing ended there? No, as he tried to adjust himself he continued to push stranger guy... thankfully I think he realized Clarence was off his rocker & sat on the very tip of the seat as not to get in Clarence's way; but Clarence put every limb out there to be sure to push Stranger Guy away.

So, it calms down for 2 stops... then it's time for Stranger Guy #2 (on the edge of the 3 seater closest to Clarence) to get off. As he attempts to stand up Clarence decides this is a perfect time to mix things up & proceeds to push this poor unsuspecting man practically to the other side of the car!!! He points again with his dreadful sound "Uuuuuuhuhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" to his toe. Turns out Stranger Guy #2 didn't watch his step & brushed up against Clarence (still sitting in his lunge position) on his way out. Again, shock & disbelief at this point from me. Could there truly be this many loonies roaming the streets of NY? I was scared Clarence was going to go on a rampage like the chimp did a few weeks ago... but thankfully, his bullying had him spent & he quietly sat there for the remainder of my ride... whew... I barely made it out of there alive... LOL

Time flies...

This past Saturday (February 21st) marks 4 years my Nani has been gone. I truly cannot believe it. It seems like yesterday & I still miss her as much as I did the day she took her place in Heaven. Since then, I haven't had any experiences - I haven't seen her or had any dreams about her. Early Saturday morning I think she came to see me. I sometimes fall asleep on Victor facing him & laying 1 arm on him. But that morning, I felt that constant sort of "back arching" you'd get when someone is standing behind you. It was uncontrollable... so I turned to the side where I thought she was. I layed there & felt a poke by our feet, between Victor & I. When I began to fall asleep I felt another poke between us again, but more towards my back. I KNOW it was her; almost like she was tucking us in. I feel so blessed to finally have an experience like that with her. I'm so happy she came to see me. My Mother has told me when I was younger I used to be terrified of death. Truth be told, I still am. But now, I'm more accepting of it, because I know for sure, in my heart I'll see my Nani again. What's there to be scared of? She'll be the 1st face I see & I feel comforted knowing that. I feel so happy that our family is still close. She was the center of everything. I love them all & so happy that we have each other to lean on when we need someone. I Love You Nani. See you in my dreams...

A funny thing happened on the way to work...

Victor & I usually catch a shuttle when we get off the train, it drops us off about 2-3 blocks away from the house… we walk down to our house, last night we passed by a house (where I’ve NEVER seen or heard dogs – since July) and all of a sudden barking outta nowhere, but the owner was there & he said “Sorry” about the dogs being such a pain in the ass… Fast forward to this morning, I’m walking down the same block to go catch the shuttle (Victor wasn’t with me, he headed off to his Mom’s later). I pass by the same house & there is this dog:
Just looking at me, like dead in the eye, not even moving, like a statue (mouth closed). It clicks with me that this was 1 of the mother f’rs that were barking at us last night, before he even barks I decide I’m going to walk in the street & not even pass in front of the house… I get to the street, I hear barking (from both dogs – the other was a Labrador), I turn to look at the dog (‘cause I heard something bang into the fence) & that bastard is running at me!!!!! Like I stole it’s Kibbles n’ Bits or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I freak the F out… like screaming as if someone was killing me… the reasons I scream is:

1. Hello?! I’m scared!!!! All I can think of is this little fucker digging into my calf with it’s nasty teeth
2. Hoping everyone, anyone in the vicinity of me would hear & (a) come help me or (b) look out the window, open a door – something

Not one person peered out, not one person came out of their house… NOTHING. At least I know no one will come to my rescue when I get abducted or killed! But I digress... My first thought is to run – but then I stop realizing this dog is going to catch me. So I stop & turn to it… it’s barking & barking & running at me to get closer every step I take back (meanwhile I’m thinking in the back of my head, what if the other BARKING dog – Labrador remember, 10 times bigger than this one, decides to bust out & try & run a train on me with this little dog?! Luckily he was old & fat & was just barking ‘cause well, he’s a dog & has to.) I tried to kick it - but the dog wasn't having it. Apparently those 4 legs of his come in handy when trying to get out of the way of a death blow roundhouse kick to the head. Then it tries to run circles around me – like trying to disorient me & shit. So the Dog Whisperer is in my mind… and I’m thinking “What would the Dog Whisperer do?! What would the Dog Whisperer do?!?!” And all I know is, you have to show the dog who’s boss, so I decide to stop screaming like a mad woman because that’s not getting me anywhere & I stop walking back, I stand my ground, slightly bend over & stick out my finger like I’m scolding it & screaming (at the same loudness as my screaming) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Over & over, he keeps barking but I stamp my feet & keep screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Then he decides to jet back to the gate, I start walking fast, like super quick, but then it tries to come back to me, then back to the gate & so forth.

At this point an Asian guy (walking his cute little VERY well behaved dog) that’s not on a leash comes walking up the block & I scream “This is unbelievable!!!” He’s doofy & laughs “Yeah, unbelieveable” – I realize, you didn’t just see what I went through dude… you have no idea what I’m saying… but then LUCKILY, my attacker decides to go after the guys dog… I’m practically running away at this point – as is the cute little dog trying to get away from this piece of shit bully, while this guy runs after them both screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So thankfully, I got away… but WTF?! What if I was pregnant?! What if I had a baby with me?! What if I had a 2 year old with me?! What if I was an old person?! What if I was listening to my iPod? I wouldn’t have heard this bastard coming at me!!!! So yeah, we’re going over there tonight and I’m going to tell the owners they need to do something about this dog - like keep it in the f’n house. If the owner gives me a problem I’m going to tell them I’m reporting it to the town. F that. So yeah, that was my morning…

Another pic of my assailant, how it looked when it was coming after me ~ out for blood (no this is not that dog - Google helped me out with the hellish image):

Speaking to my Mom later regarding my assault she said I should have wailed it with my purse... but let's get real people... Ladies, I know you feel me with this. There was no way in hell I was going to put my Baby (until I have a human one), my Marc Jacobs purse in harms way!!!! So no Ma! I didn't try to hit it with a purse... maybe next time... LOL

This Is Like Whoa...

So I did it. I finally did it... I've taken the plunge. I finally decided to create my very own blog. I am no longer a blog virgin... I'll probably have a few loyal readers (thanks Mom & Dad) LOL, but I gotta say, I'm excited about it. I'll start adding past stuff as I remember it... so it won't be in order for now. Hope you get as much of a laugh at some of this shit like I do...