A is for Athena Who Fell Down the Stairs...

What we're gonna do right now is go back… way back… back into time…

The date is Friday March 16, 2007. Just one week before March 23,2007 ~ which coincidentally is my Wedding… so 1 week before my Wedding there is a CRAZY snowstorm… so crazy in fact that they let us leave early from work if we lived outside of the city. I had managed to make it to the card store to buy wrapping paper I needed for my Rehearsal dinner. Picked up some Sean John Unforgivable for my Soon-to-Be Hubby, some other things from the Employee Store (where I’m lucky enough to get 50% off retail – Don’t hate, appreciate). Armed with an obscenely large roll of wrapping paper, a filled to the rim bag from the Employee Store, my purse filled with GOD knows what I head out to go catch my bus @ the lovely Port Authority. Shit! If I leave now I can actually catch my bus with 10-20 minutes to spare & be home in a ½ hour!!! I rush out of work, manage to work the mean streets of NY & the subway to make it to the Port Authority. Make it to the gate & something clicks in me & I’m thinking… no way… no way am I going to sit here & wait for a regular good ol' bus when I can go catch a smelly fart van to my house.

Sidebar here… “Smelly Fart Vans” as they were coined by Momo are the commuter vans that pick people up from Journal Square up until the ass end of Weehawken & take you straight to Port Authority (reference picture above - thanks for being our Vanna White Spanish Lady)… they are called “Smelly Fart Vans” because they are just that… in my opinion they are dirty as hell (saw a cockroach in one once – seriously! How the F does that happen?!), LOUD Spanish talking people, inconsiderate people that put their wet umbrellas on a seat just so you can wet your pants like a potty training kid when they pick it up. And way more curry than should be allowed. People that have spicy Doritos body odor (you hear Doritos you think good? Not good... imagine a human smelling like that), booger picking people… I hope you get the jist by now… they are obnoxious & should only be taken in extreme cases… as this was...

Which brings me back to my story… I have a Wedding coming up which equals a lot of crap that needed to still get done. Why would I spend more time waiting for a royal bus, when I can get home in ½ the time if I catch a van now. I rush down stairs, down a few staircases & then I come to the staircase that will change my life…

I rush down the stairs like a mad woman & in my running frenzy the ginormous roll of wrapping paper I was running with decided to transform into a snake betwixt my legs… so as my right leg tries to take the lead it gets stopped by the roll of paper that is lodged behind my left leg, no where for my legs to go, but I got this great momentum behind me… before I know it, I am tumbling… smack me silly & call me Jill, I was tumbling down the hill after I fetched a pail of water. I tried to stop myself during my descent by grabbing onto the banisters, but that didn’t help, the force was too great to stop… I kept tumbling. During my tumble I heard some scream “Oooohhhh!!!!”. I kept tumbling. I tumbled for so long that all I thought was - I’m still falling? Really?!?! I finally get to the bottom of the staircase that OWNED me. I land right on my ass, shocked, baffled, in awe of what just happened to me. Strewn about is the f’n roll of wrapping paper, all of my goodies from the Employee Store – including the beautiful case the Sean John Unforgivable was in for my Hubby L, my purse threw up & everything was everywhere… I just sat there, mystified… a few good samaritans came to my rescue, while a bunch of a-hole onlookers just gawked at what they saw (I’m sure they thought I was filming an action sequence or something – I mean I fell F-O-R-E-V-E-R). As the good folk are asking me if I’m OK & gathering my belongings I start to cry… I start to cry because I’m shocked, embarrassed, I know no one around me to make me feel better, my back hurts & my ankle is KILLING me!!!! I swear I broke it, I fractured it! Something is wrong I tell you! Something is wrong!!!!! A Port Authority officer comes over, as does a Port Authority worker & they’re helping me. The cop is writing a report & asked if I wanted to be taken to the hospital. But all I kept thinking was, I can’t be in a hospital in NY all by myself! I want Victor, where’s Victor, I need Victor!!!!! They ask me what happened, if I slipped on water (remember crazy snowstorm outside) *Ding Ding Ding* this set off something in people’s heads later on – I could have totally sued the Port Authority ~ but alas, my Momma & Poppa didn’t raise me like that J LOL, thanks Mom & Dad… I refuse my option to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. I just want… to… get… home… to… Victor… I go downstairs to the Smelly Fart Van Depot & I call Victor – hysterical, as if my dog died, as if I didn’t make prom queen, as if my Mom cut my hair again… I let it all out, slimy snot & tears stream down my face. I just want him to hug me & tell me it’ll be OK & don’t forget kids… MY ANKLE IS IN MAJOR PAIN!!!

Fast forward to Sunday when I see my genius Brother-in-Law Dr. Horana (nominate him for Surgeon General one day… hoodie hooo!!!! Shout out to Lasanta) who advised me to go to the hospital & get it X-ray’d just in case – basically my foot was looking horrid… turns out I had a SEVERE sprain. I had to take extra days off of work to recooperate before the Wedding because I couldn't even get around. I had to crawl up the stairs like a dog after the hospital because my Future Hubby just stood there & laughed... "Through sickness & health" huh? My ass...

I wore Old Navy white platform flip flops to my Wedding... spent a nice amount of money on my dress to turn around & spend $7.50 on a pair of flip flops. LOL Our Wedding went off without a hitch as did our glorious Honeymoon (Oh, how I miss you Mexico...)

Lesson of the day kids: Do NOT run down stairs...