Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It Ain’t Gonna Happen… Move On…

I’ve tried keeping this down in the depths of my soul – but I CANNOT take it anymore… I’m not saying I’m a Skinny Minnie by any means. I CAN tell you that being a human being; as you all are you probably try to judge whether or not you can fit between 2 people or comfortably sit next to someone… Naturally I’m looking for a rail thin Asian woman or a small old lady to sit next to. That’s my jackpot. I can’t stand sitting next to men – I mean seriously, your balls are NOT THAT BIG, no matter what the hooker told you. Close your legs, it’s annoying. I can’t stand sitting next to someone & feel their body heat; it disgusts me. If someone gets up, I cannot immediately sit in the seat they’ve just vacated. It grosses me out to feel other people’s butt warmth, I can’t even feel Victor’s or my Mom’s; you feel me? So yes, these are the neurotic things that bother me (amongst a million others). But as I said earlier; we judge whether or not we’ll “fit” into a space. I, my friends, have unfortunately encountered 2 people (women) who do not share my same size assessment…

I took the bus the other day ~ you know how I feel about these buses – they are the Lap of Luxury… truly. The ones that have their own air vents for each passenger, a cool little light you can point towards yourself if need be, the crazy leg room & the reclining chairs. I got on this heavenly transportation the other day & as Victor & I found we try to be welcoming to people that we find desirable to sit next to & try to be unwelcoming to others. LOL, I’m trying to send out some Psychic Friends Network vibes to all the anorexic people, to all the sweet smelling people & deter all the body odor loving, snorers, seat takerovers I can… well, it didn’t work this dreadful day. A woman decided to sit on; excuse me NEXT to me. I can tell you from my personal experience, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt whether or not the junk in my trunk will fit into a space or not… I just know it & if I think there’s a chance I’ll pop out from the sheer force of being squeezed into somewhere I’m not going to risk it, I’ll stand. This woman had no such sense. Well, she had enough sense to lift the arm rest to allow herself room to get into the seat as she sat on half of my thigh & upper right ass cheek, but then this woman had the sheer balls to put the arm rest D.O.W.N. – thus squeezing us closer together. Again, my hips don’t lie… just because you will your ass to be smaller or your body to be skinnier does not mean it’s going to happen TRUST ME, I’VE TRIED IT… IT DOESN’T WORK unfortunately L!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to wedge my left hip & ass cheek under my arm rest & even adjusted myself in vain as to alert my fellow passenger to how uncomfortable she’s making me (usually it works – but not that day) L So I wasn’t even able to play with my iPod or sleep because I was uncomfortable & her f’n arm kept slipping & hitting me in the arm while she was sleeping. WTF?!

Yesterday I was stuck with the same unfortunate plight… I got unto the train into a 3 seater; now you must know that I take a gamble… the gamble is I could be stuck in a 3 seater with actually 3 people instead of the standard 2 – hey, it happens. But again, I was stuck with a woman that knew VERY WELL that she couldn’t fit between us. But she gave it a valiant effort & at the same time made sure I was extremely uncomfortable. I was contorted in my chair; cursing the fact that I sat in a 3 seater (although this could very well happen in a 2 seater as well), she was also reading a newspaper!!!!!!!! Lady!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even breathe in deeply & fully expand my ribs & you’re leafing through a f’n newspaper?! Seriously?! The air conditioning was on, but oddly enough the air vents under the windows were on fire!!! I sat & suffered for 2 stops & 20 minutes. But finally, a beam of light shone down from Heaven (thanks Nani) & a person 3 rows in front of me got off @ the stop. I saw my chance for freedom & quickly said “Excuse Me” & made the ladies get up & quickly scooted my big, wide ass into a brand spanking open air seat (with complimentary butt warmth *yuk* - but welcomed it with open arms).

I’m seriously contemplating just sitting on the floor or standing from now on. I’ll let you know how it goes.

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't agree more... I will stand any day rather than wedge myself into a small seat where me and the person next to me will be miserable. But if someone plays that card on me, I do everything humanly possible to make their ride even more uncomfortable! ... and BTW, men's balls vary in size, but we like to keep it light and airy in there, therefore our legs must remain as far apart from each other as possible!!


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