It Ain’t Gonna Happen… Move On…

I’ve tried keeping this down in the depths of my soul – but I CANNOT take it anymore… I’m not saying I’m a Skinny Minnie by any means. I CAN tell you that being a human being; as you all are you probably try to judge whether or not you can fit between 2 people or comfortably sit next to someone… Naturally I’m looking for a rail thin Asian woman or a small old lady to sit next to. That’s my jackpot. I can’t stand sitting next to men – I mean seriously, your balls are NOT THAT BIG, no matter what the hooker told you. Close your legs, it’s annoying. I can’t stand sitting next to someone & feel their body heat; it disgusts me. If someone gets up, I cannot immediately sit in the seat they’ve just vacated. It grosses me out to feel other people’s butt warmth, I can’t even feel Victor’s or my Mom’s; you feel me? So yes, these are the neurotic things that bother me (amongst a million others). But as I said earlier; we judge whether or not we’ll “fit” into a space. I, my friends, have unfortunately encountered 2 people (women) who do not share my same size assessment…

I took the bus the other day ~ you know how I feel about these buses – they are the Lap of Luxury… truly. The ones that have their own air vents for each passenger, a cool little light you can point towards yourself if need be, the crazy leg room & the reclining chairs. I got on this heavenly transportation the other day & as Victor & I found we try to be welcoming to people that we find desirable to sit next to & try to be unwelcoming to others. LOL, I’m trying to send out some Psychic Friends Network vibes to all the anorexic people, to all the sweet smelling people & deter all the body odor loving, snorers, seat takerovers I can… well, it didn’t work this dreadful day. A woman decided to sit on; excuse me NEXT to me. I can tell you from my personal experience, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt whether or not the junk in my trunk will fit into a space or not… I just know it & if I think there’s a chance I’ll pop out from the sheer force of being squeezed into somewhere I’m not going to risk it, I’ll stand. This woman had no such sense. Well, she had enough sense to lift the arm rest to allow herself room to get into the seat as she sat on half of my thigh & upper right ass cheek, but then this woman had the sheer balls to put the arm rest D.O.W.N. – thus squeezing us closer together. Again, my hips don’t lie… just because you will your ass to be smaller or your body to be skinnier does not mean it’s going to happen TRUST ME, I’VE TRIED IT… IT DOESN’T WORK unfortunately L!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to wedge my left hip & ass cheek under my arm rest & even adjusted myself in vain as to alert my fellow passenger to how uncomfortable she’s making me (usually it works – but not that day) L So I wasn’t even able to play with my iPod or sleep because I was uncomfortable & her f’n arm kept slipping & hitting me in the arm while she was sleeping. WTF?!

Yesterday I was stuck with the same unfortunate plight… I got unto the train into a 3 seater; now you must know that I take a gamble… the gamble is I could be stuck in a 3 seater with actually 3 people instead of the standard 2 – hey, it happens. But again, I was stuck with a woman that knew VERY WELL that she couldn’t fit between us. But she gave it a valiant effort & at the same time made sure I was extremely uncomfortable. I was contorted in my chair; cursing the fact that I sat in a 3 seater (although this could very well happen in a 2 seater as well), she was also reading a newspaper!!!!!!!! Lady!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even breathe in deeply & fully expand my ribs & you’re leafing through a f’n newspaper?! Seriously?! The air conditioning was on, but oddly enough the air vents under the windows were on fire!!! I sat & suffered for 2 stops & 20 minutes. But finally, a beam of light shone down from Heaven (thanks Nani) & a person 3 rows in front of me got off @ the stop. I saw my chance for freedom & quickly said “Excuse Me” & made the ladies get up & quickly scooted my big, wide ass into a brand spanking open air seat (with complimentary butt warmth *yuk* - but welcomed it with open arms).

I’m seriously contemplating just sitting on the floor or standing from now on. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Death Becomes Her

Now, as a precursor to this story I have to make sure it’s crystal clear to you & that you understand I wish no harm on this woman… are we clear? Yes? M’kay…

Every morning while I/we await the train into NY the platform is chock full of different people… there is one woman in particular that creeps me the F out… I mean, makes me cringe whenever I see her. Let’s call her Dorothy shall we? Yes we shall… so Dorothy is standing on the same platform as we are… waiting to catch the train into the city just like everyone else is; just trying to make an honest living. Now I have nothing against Dorothy as a woman, I’m sure she’s sweet, caring & nice. But Dorothy is bone chilling because she looks (GOD FORGIVE ME) like she physically just stepped out of a coffin!!!!! Don, don, don!!!!

I am not kidding!!!! I wish I was. She is thin, a little lanky with a touch of a hunch on her back, her hands looks thin & bony, yet her skin is stretchy, she wears fire engine red lipstick that seems to be outlined in brown. Her makeup looks caked on, like creasy & matte & her hair I mean WIG is a short straight poofy deposit of black hair. She looks like she was readied by the makeup department of a funeral home & the more I look @ her the more I think she’s the walking dead… see her in the picture above coming out of her house running for the train?!?! This is where I picture her coming from in the morning. She scares me!!! And like I said, I wish her no harm, I wish her a long life, but God she really heebies my jeebies. This morning I decided to see what she was up to - ya know, what are the daily nuances of a zombie, turns out she loves to carry heavy big bags & likes to write the lottery numbers she’s going to play on a shit load of index cards… maybe saving up for that crypt she’s always wanted? GOD FORGIVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See what I do for your entertainment? LOL

That's a Big Bitch!!

Not sure if you've seen the theatrical masterpiece that is Deuce Bigalow ~ Male Gigolo. But one of the lovely ladies that he "dates" in the movie is a huge bohemith of a woman (reference pic above). You may ask... Athena... why are you giving this visual? And I reply my friends... because I myself have encountered one.

Every morning I catch the train & sometimes catch a glimpse of a rather large woman. So large in fact that if you are sitting down & she's standing next to you, your head would come to about the bottom of her ass crack. That's a big bitch! So, I've seen her once in a while on my ride into NY. I have recently started seeing her on my train ride to work in NY. Oddly enough she sometimes is riding in my same car. The reason I've noticed her is not because of her freakishly large size. The reason I see her is because I have physically bumped into her ass cheeks quite a few times!!!!

The 1st time it happened it truly took me by surprise; whilst stepping off of the train car (whose doors were about to close) I took a leap of faith with her standing in front me. I really thought by the time I hit the platform she would be well on her way to being, well... out of my way. But no my friends, turns out her large size makes her slothlike. She did not move, she was indeed dead in front of me. In my leap off of the train I bumped into her & when I say bumped into her I practically bounced off her ass cheeks which practically come up to my boobs. I shit you not. So I pounced on a strangers ass & she had absolutely no reaction to it. I deduce that she is used to this sort of treatment, bouncing people off & plucking people out of her ass cheeks. I mean, that has to be it... she cannot possibly feel it!

Why, just today, on my way to work, the Slothy Bohemith was on my train to work. But this time, I didn't even know she was in front of me. I hopped off the train right into her asshole again!!! WTF?! Her ass has to be, MUST be desensitized to this shit! I mean, if everyone was bumping into my butt constantly I'd know it. But she didn't even feel it & just went about her business. I'm convinced now her purpose in life is to suck me up into her vortex of ass cheeks - it's like she's everywhere & I'm getting creeped out. From now on I'm just going to wait on the train car til she's like 10 feet in front of me. I mean it's that or I'm being swallowed whole by her ass & I want to live!! I want to live!!!!!!!

Faceoff with The Fashionista

As you know, I take the subway to & from work – every day. Just the other day, I was sitting in my seat… calm… tired… dreading going to work. I’d rather be in bed – ‘Rule of Thumb’ I’d always rather be in bed. LOL, anywho, as I sit & listen to my lovely music a typical NY Fashionista sashays into the train car. I’m talking walking as if she won America’s Next Top Model. Work it bitch. Looking as if she stepped right off of a Marc Jacobs runway… H-U-G-E bag that you could fit a litter of kittens or 2 small midgets in. Long leather boots, tights, big fluffy coat – sunglasses (FYI, it was not sunny out & even if it was ya stupid a-hole – SUN is not able to reach us down here in the bowels of NYC). Besides all of these glamorous things she’s sporting what I like to call a “Shitface”...

- ie. literally looking like they just smelled shit & you can tell just by looking @ their face. Just walking around with a sense of entitlement, walking around as if she’s the Queen of Everything – step off – I OWN that title LOL! Like everyone is beneath her. The train races along & we come to my stop yay… woohoo… time to get off & earn my keep. I step off of the train as does everyone else & we all have to merge onto an escalator. Now, again, I know how the subways & merging & “playing chicken” (ya know, when you & someone else are walking in opposing directions & someone has to stand their ground & keep walking straight as the other one puss*es out & veers off of the “road”) goes with people in NY. I know I have to let a few people cut in front of me, I know I have to be considerate & polite while making my way to the escalator; although that goes out the door at times – I swear I just want to greet peoples faces with a swift elbow to the face – I’m always down to throw ‘dem bows. But otherwise, I’m a normal, considerate person. But I was not today, not this morning, not to this Fashionista that wanted to walk as people dropped rose petals at her feet. She was trying to get in front of me & not in an inconspicuous way – in a I’m going to let my homeless lady bag keep punching into you until you are knocked over way. She keeps pushing & punching me with her bag & that’s it chick. My hips don’t lie & I will knock your ass back into kingdom come if you keep pushing me – trust. So it’s a faceoff now, who can make it to the escalator faster while we’re at war of pushing & poking… No need to wonder everyone, I beat a b*tch. I made it onto the escalator before she did, I threw my purse behind me & flicked my lions mane hoping I’d at least graze her. I felt better… got my day off in a good way… until next time Fashionista… you… me… rematch…

What A Mean Old Man...

One bright beautiful clear weekday I hop on the subway to get to work; like any normal New Yorker. We're lined up like cattle waiting for the other rats to scurry out of the train car so we can make our way in. I see an opening & jet on in ~ my aren't I fast :) I have no idea why I was in such a rush to jump on in... there were absolutely no seats. A fellow cattle; an old man, with a hump on his back (I swear, if he stood up straight he was at least 6'3"), manages to slowly make his way in. Now, this is where I count on you to use your imagination. I was on a train that had these seats:

This mean old man decided to do a MAJOR side lunge into the seat (where the above douche is sitting)... so picture someone sitting in each of the seats of 3 seater & 1 person sitting next to the above douche (replace with mean old man). The old man attemps to sit while in his crouching tiger major groin pulling side lunge:

But, imagine this even longer... he sets his saggy ass down (again while STILL in this position) & proceeds to push the man sitting next to him as if he insulted him or owed him money. So hard in fact that the man sitting next to him almost fell off of the chair!! I stand in disbelief, could this really be happening? As Mean Old Man (let's give him a name shall we? Clarence... Clarence it is!) proceeds to push him he makes a dreadful sound "Uuuuuuhuhhhhhhhhhhhhh" as he points to his disfigured lunge leg in an attempt to justify why he's pushing perfect strangers around. From his pointing & grunting I deduce he was pissed that stranger guy didn't get up so he could get into the seat properly. You think the pushing ended there? No, as he tried to adjust himself he continued to push stranger guy... thankfully I think he realized Clarence was off his rocker & sat on the very tip of the seat as not to get in Clarence's way; but Clarence put every limb out there to be sure to push Stranger Guy away.

So, it calms down for 2 stops... then it's time for Stranger Guy #2 (on the edge of the 3 seater closest to Clarence) to get off. As he attempts to stand up Clarence decides this is a perfect time to mix things up & proceeds to push this poor unsuspecting man practically to the other side of the car!!! He points again with his dreadful sound "Uuuuuuhuhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" to his toe. Turns out Stranger Guy #2 didn't watch his step & brushed up against Clarence (still sitting in his lunge position) on his way out. Again, shock & disbelief at this point from me. Could there truly be this many loonies roaming the streets of NY? I was scared Clarence was going to go on a rampage like the chimp did a few weeks ago... but thankfully, his bullying had him spent & he quietly sat there for the remainder of my ride... whew... I barely made it out of there alive... LOL